Last year, right about now, I thought that this year, right about now, I'd know which grad school I was going to attend to pursue my dream of playing with a professional orchestra. Nick & I would be moving somewhere exciting (maybe to Manhatten, NY!) and starting a new chapter in our lives. And yet somehow when I walked off the Orangerie stage at Schonbrunn Palace in Vienna I knew that might just be my last orchestral concert. And that's why I was crying throughout the concert. On stage. While playing. Go me.
Right now I have several friends who took the same route I did - a year off, then grad school, then the career of their dreams. And right now those friends have their acceptance letters firmly in hand and are preparing to start grad school. And I'm...not.
The other day I was talking to a good friend of mine (who starts her masters this year) who remarked "If you would have said 9 months ago that you weren't going back to school full time you never would have believed it." Wrong. I would have. I just wasn't ready to start having that conversation with everyone about giving up the dream. Sticking with the idea that I was taking a year off was so much easier than saying "Yup, that dream I've been working on for the last 12 years? Yeah, that's gone. How am I doing with that? Great." Try having that conversation a couple times a week for 6 months.
I want to go back. I want to keep playing, and I want to go all the way to the top. But somewhere deeper than I wanted to look I knew that wasn't going to happen. It just took me longer to say it outloud. There's been absolutely no progress with my hands, and the doctors/surgeons/therapists are telling me there's nothing else they can do.
So, for any of you who were still waiting for the final world...no grad school.
And how am I doing with that? Well, we bought a house. I have an amazing job, with coworkers I love, new opportunities and lots of things to learn. I'm happy, and I'm excited about what these next years could hold. But to be honest, that doesn't make it any easier to go to concerts.
So for any of you who find yourselves walking a path that won't lead to your dream, I'm there too. And for any of you who are headed towards your dream, please understand that when you talk about the challenges ahead and how hard grad school is going to be, some of us are dying for the chance to go through that.
Hi Cindy! I found your blog through Mandy's and thought I would check it out. I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so I'm always looking at what other people are doing.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I know that we don't know each other very well, but I wanted to say that I completely relate to all the feelings you have shared in this entry. I think I basically could have written almost the exact same thing about 2 1/2 years ago :) Unlike you, I don't have the same physical problems (I struggle with back pain due to playing...but that's a story for another time), but there are a whole slew of other things that resulted in me not pursuing a professional playing career (and also moving to NY). I see my colleagues from grad school now teaching flute at colleges across the country, taking professional orchestral auditions, winning major competitions and I agree that it is often really hard. It almost feels like what I worked so hard for (and for so long!) was another lifetime ago.
So, know that you are not alone. I've totally been there and in many ways am still going through those feelings. We should talk sometime :)